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The Ticket

"Kingston!", I heard  Mr. Zimbalist, my boss, exclaim. I ran swiftly to his office. There he waited with a stern face, balding head and a hazy cigar in his hand. "Kingston,  I need you to run down to the drug store and get me a lottery ticket." Oh yes sir!",  I said eagerly. "And since you decided to take off work yesterday, you can pay for the expenses!" "But sir, my daughter was sick with the flu! I had to stay by her side!", I said in a timid sort of defense. "Well if this is an issue, then you can spend as much time with your daughter as you want- because if you don't do this simple thing for me, your ass is finished! Understood?" I nodded my head reluctantly. I walked to the drug store, where a woman was pleading with the cashier. "Oh please, sir! It's all the money I have!" "Well lady, that ain't my problem", said the cashier in a matter-of-fact way. I then stepped forward. "I'll pay the difference." "Well aren't you a nice guy! She owes me seven cents, pal", he moaned. I reached into my pocket and pulled out seven cents. "Bless you, sir, bless you!", she said with a bright glow in her eyes. "Oh, it was nothing, really. I try to help people whenever I can." "And the lord will bless you seven fold! Thank you again!" She ran out of the store with as a gigantic smile on her face. I bought the ticket for my boss, where he dropped the ticket to the ground. "Argh, it's a loser!" He stomped away. I then picked up the ticket, seeing that he had forgotten to scratch one of the numbers. I then dug my fingernails into this piece of cardboard and paper- And it wasn't a loser at all- It was a winning ticket for $7 million dollars! While I was jumping for joy, a woman brushed passed me. It was the woman from the drug store. She gave me a smile and a wink and kept walking. I never saw the woman again.
I love this story! It took me awhile to come up with the plot, but I think it's worth it! Tell me what you think!
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yumyum36 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
The lottery! Yay!
N1njaStar28 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, thanks alot! I worked really hard on this, so that means a ton! :D
lildj1014 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I find this very interesting. I like it :D especially how you describe the boss lawls. Im not such a literature fan but this I give it a Thumbs up :D :iconiloveitmoreplz:
N1njaStar28 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You know, I totally agree. But with my writing style I try to leave people asking questions. But I totally agree with the punctuation and stuff, and maybe the time and the place, too! =)
BenderOfMoon Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, here's what I think:

:bulletgreen: The plot, overall, is very thoughtful. It was interesting to read and I can tell you put a lot of thought into it.

:bulletgreen: I like the description of the boss. There's just something about it that I really liked. :)

:bulletred: Try separating future stories into paragraphs. It's more pleasing to the eye. Plus, each line of diaologue should have its own paragraph anyway. :)

:bulletred: Try expanding the background of the characters a little more. For example, maybe describe Kingston's family.

:bulletred: Try defining the setting a little. Set a time and place. I think that would really tie it together.

:bulletred: Don't be afraid to add details! Obviously, the line needs to be drawn somewhere, but I think as far as short stories go, it can be difficult to cross that line, so that gives you plenty of wiggle room. :)

I hope this advice helps you. I really think this is great story, but with improvements, it could be amazing. :)
N1njaStar28 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, thanks! I personally like the ending. It leaves the reader asking questions. =)
GlitterGeekAngel Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
awww! why doesnt he see the nice lady again???!! Dx

awesome work!! :icongoodjobplz:
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Submitted on
September 7, 2012
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